one last for the year

Before the year ends, I am putting, right now, a last song up for downloads from my instrumental dance/classical album YOU ARE THE DRIVER. So you should check that out: at my site, here.

I wish I had time to write a big retrospective of the year, if for myself only, not to bore you but just to kind of sum it up. But in short, this has easily been the best year of life for me, and I look forward hungrily to 2005. The big world is still crazy and messed, but what can I do or say about that from here? Just living the best... et cetera et cetera. I suppose if you've been reading all along you get the point.

So I will have more to say, happy new year!

dot dot dot

rewind, unwind

It flew by so fast, and I am back near the ocean.

My only regret is not being able to spend more time with my family... it was really great to talk and catch up with my many aunts and uncles, to see my Grandma, kick it with my brothers, even see Kate's family briefly.

I always feel this intense self examinatory period after being with family, I suppose its because I incessantly talked about what I am doing with my time, and even I have to listen and think about what exactly I am up to.

One thing that I realize is that I am ready to be done with the retreat like repose and take the music career more seriously. Even though I'm bubbling over with material, I'd like to focus on my live shows, get my gear that I need and work on the overall presentation. I listened to BLUE STAR again on the way home from Ukiah, along with Sing The Sorrow, (AFI),, and I decided that it needs more promotion, even though I am WAY over it artistically. The sound engineering by Keith Feigin is just, I mean, I listen to a lot of stuff and with this album he did such a crystalline job. It really is a bit of a triumph for me, and I hope for him too.

I have had revelations that the thing I really miss most about Portland, besides my friends in general, is the band. Not just a band, but THE band. And other than that I don't really miss much.

The sun is starting to peek out. I need to run some errands and then I think I might start a hot fire and record some music.

X Mas From Here

Happy to say that my feelings on the whole Christmas thing are better now... especially since I got my brothers, who are a major pain in the ass to get presents for mind you, some good gifts.

I took some photos to put on christmas cards that will never be sent, but I figured I'd post them here, taken with a long exposure and a flashlight.

shopping is depressing

i don't know why

maybe its because i just don't know what to get people. maybe its because i have made no $$$ this month. maybe its because its just not what christmas used to be about.

me and my brother would start planning christmas eve about two months in advance. we would draw up elaborate plans for the purchase of piles of candy, to be consumed as we played rented video games. we would draw maps of the house and work out ways to sneak out and catch santa (or watch mom as we got older). it went so far as to know which boards in the hallways creaked when you walked on them, and practicing ways to walk ninja like out.

i still have the journal we kept from one christmas eve, i must have been 9 or 10, and we did checks every 15 minutes, with status reports, notes on how many presents, what the current mom situation was, where we hid out. et cetera. we wished we had walkie talkies and we never DID get a pair. we could hardly contain the excitement when it looked like it was time, and mom would go to bed. but she always took her sweet time, sometimes even falling asleep on the couch.

when she finally did go to bed we would wait 2 minutes (we told ourselves it was a half hour) and then sneak out. that moment, the flashlights reflecting off unopened presents, the stockings stuffed full, the crisp cool air in the big living room... it was palpable and brilliant. and then one of us would plug in the christmas tree lights, and their glow added a solemn beauty to the whole scene. we would find the santa presents, written in a mysterious style, all caps and almost... primitive like, FROM SANTA.

also, leading up to christmas we took each ritual very seriously, the hanging of the lights outside, the placement of the ornaments on the christmas tree. tyler let us know of this cool trick where you could lay underneath the tree and stare up into the lights sparkling against the ornaments and be in your OWN world entirely. tyler never had as elaborate plans, mainly cuz his brother was too young to conspire with him, and we always found that to be really strange.

it was cool to make things in elementary school for gifts, the aluminum foil ornaments, the stuff from woodshop that said your name in cursive. it was cool to kind of fall into the advent calendars in awe, and i loved the baby jesus scenes with mini porcelaine statues. it all seemed so magical, and i suppose the distinctive feeling was that these things, these THINGS were actually a place i could go to... somewhere special, only once a year. when christmas was over it was such a let down, even if you made mom and dad keep the tree up until it was hazardously toasted and dry.

i guess this is when people start thinking having kids would be a cool idea... that joy is so much... more exciting than the stuff i'm kind of feeling right now. like, having to beg to get christmas off from the restaurant, but still having to compromise and WORK, can you believe that WORK on that once sacred childhood night christmas eve. and wanting to get people you love things that they really want cuz you do care about them, but kind of remembering a time when what they wanted was something much less simple than an item... they wanted a gift. you gave a gift. you got a gift.

i suppose i am a bit disappointed in myself, as i have been since age 17 or so, for not really feeling the magic as much. i know that i want to, but now i don't even know if i know how... it scares me. how to fall into a world and live it, and be ecstatic from the fact that that private world exists. i mean, i don't smoke pot anymore and don't want to... i used to think that pot did that for me, but pot is a kind of downer, it just is escapism on a non imaginative level.

my childhood was so important to me... i knew it at the time. i hope it doesn't come back and devour me, how strongly i felt then. i would like to be the same person, and worry less about selling cars and paying bills.

to quote morrissey (and i'm sure i'm taking it out of context) "i've seen this happen in other people's lives, and now its happening in mine"

well, that was depressing. just had to get that out there. i mean, can you relate? am i missing something here? i want more magic. AND i'm really happy to be at this point in my life too, but... do you know what i mean?

i sold out!

Blue Star @ Cafe Press

ok, so along the lines of thinking of my career and stuff i figured i might as well take advantage of the wonderful cafepress. so i'm using other products to promote my album blue star.

while i don't expect anyone to flock to this and start a hysteria, you gotta admit, the products make for great gifts, that are unique, and that "promote" your friend, the unknown songwriter. and i tried to not be too annoying with the design, so that i would actually want to wear them around.

but i actually will more likely use the bulk discount to affordably do short runs of product for my shows.

better yet

nothing makes you appreciate the simplicity of being healthy like lying in bed for two days staring at patterns in the ceiling feverishly and not being able to taste food and not being able to comprehend simple romantic comedies because of your fever.

i got better, thankfully, and then kate got the same sickness, so we've just been chilling, being sick.

i felt a lot better today and took a short walk around the house... everytime i take a walk i appreciate where i live SO much, its a kind of paradise. the rain in the redwoods is one of my favorite settings in general, the fogs kind of hang in a misty wonderland, and now that the creek right by our house finally has water, we are surrounded by the sounds of water. its very new age. the creek runs steep down the canyon below us, and there are little pools and waterfalls everywhere. i hiked around our canyon to the next canyon on 15 year old logging roads all overgrown, and found another beautiful little creek, and then came upon a really amazing meadow, all misty and full of mushrooms everywhere. i can't explain how happy the walk made me, to come back to the cabin as it was getting dark and looking up at our christmas lights glowing so solitary in the middle of the woods, the middle of nowhere. we are very much perched on a steep steep larger canyon, which leads to Big River (thats its name), which, i mean, conservative guess is at least a mile down, and we are only like, 1/4 mile from it, so in other words, steep.

so that's good. and its good to be in the cabin all toasty right now, both of us feeling better.

i'm not working much lately, which freaks me out on some level because it means i'm broke and soon to be broker, but on another level this has been a good break for me. its a good time to re evaluate what i'm doing for a living. sometimes tough pinches make you decide to make big changes. which i need to do.

so i'd hope to land a better job, or even go back into the freelancing world of design and cello lessons... which can be very gratifying, if unsteady. but a job... i mean, what jobs are there really that i would be into? it seems like everyone around me manages to at least find a decent job at some point... hopefully the same will happen for me, i mean, i'll do the work and all to get it, but i hope to at least be able to find and see a reasonably stimulating job in this area. that would be... the second to ideal. the ideal, of course would be able to make music, compose and tour. and i need to get my act together in terms of that... i've been putting off touring, even a small regional tour here and there, for no good reason except lack of time to put it all together. and so that is what i intend to do with this winter time off...

wish me luck. i might need some come rent time and all that... not that i believe in luck but still...

sick

so i am sick. very very sick. i've spent the past two days in bed, complete waste of time, very lame. my head and my chest and my stomach are all about to explode and all in all i'm very tired, and spaced out.

all this probably a combination of two weekends in a row of travels, money and holiday and job worries, not enough sleep, and anxiety about shows. well

get over it, i will

fine

the morning after

i'm hanging out on a very bright and warm san francisco day, its good to be in the city again, to get that fix for energy that only the city can bring. like, waking up to the sound of traffic and knowing that not only were people up and about, but thousands of people really near to you were out and about.

the show last night was great. jake (the organizer) has no idea how kind he is and how good he is at putting the shows together... it was just a good experience, especially compared to a lot of gigs i've had to deal with in the past. i was however, oddly incapacitated all day yesterday by our early rise time, i mean, i could NOT wake myself up all day, and the driving for 3+ hours and the nervous stress that i always get to the extreme every time i play, and the lack of food, and the presence of beer and coffee it just broke me down, to the extent that i wondered if i wasn't really ill or something. but, no, i feel MUCH better after a good night's rest at jake's apartment (thanks! also thanks to tyler and pete and t for offering places to stay).

kate and i are to go out 'shopping' today, you know, strolling the streets while holiday music fills the air and i will be weighed down with all the packages and stuffed animals i bought and it will start snowing. although i think its too warm to snow.